The Craigslist funny thread

[Rangerscott]

Thought I'd make a main craigslist to post the funny/stupid sales that the greater gene pool have to offer.


Dell Dell Dell that all I have to say



I have a Dell Dimension 9100 it on crak I runs Microsoft Window XP professional With service 3


Intel(R) Pentium(R) 4 CPU 6.00Ghz

with 3.25gb of RAM

I has a Nvdia gameing video card

It has 300gb Hard drive

has a 15in lcd screen


It runs starcraft 2 and all the other game with no lag

It the full set up Good to go Shot me a offer no low blows plz Need cash fast you can call me at 806-438-1565 ask for RJ


I can send Pic Will try to post Pic

Need it fast

[OneSickPsycho]

http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/mcy/3892658385.html


1989 GSXR 750 "The Charmander"

All the great ones have a name. Think B.B. King's Lucille, Willie Nelson's Trigger, or Perry the Platypus. Buy this bike and your name will be The Man.

Colour is Badass Black (the color of truth and honesty which is all you will find here in this ad)

Sponsored by Marlboros, the cigarette of champions. Remember when cigarettes were safe and motorcyclists were dangerous? This bike is old school.

But seriously, this is a sweet ride. I have covered the seat with powdered sugar.

"Only 2431km", (meaning 49358km on the dial but I am shopping for a new odometer with 2431 on it).

"The most perfect ride you will find anywhere" by which I mean this is a mint condition project bike that I cannot finish. Think of all the enjoyment I have so generously left for you. (The ladies will tell you that I'm like that) I got her up and running and even safetied so she is licensed for the road but still has some issues. (Who doesn't have 'issues'??) More than my time or efforts can deal with (I am lame with tools)

[Side note: have you ever stopped to consider how stupid the concept of getting a motorcycle safetied is??? WTF?? It is about as stupid as stopping tobacco companies from sponsoring motorcycle racing. We wouldn't want our kids to get into something dangerous from watching motorcycle racing, other than motorcycle racing. Light up and ponder that. ]

"Never been tracked" by which I mean I have only taken her out on the track only once (3 times). Lots of fun and she shows a lot of guts for her age (speaking as an old guy who has the guts to risk this beauty on the track). She goes fast and the brakes well (a bonus feature that you get included in the asking price). True story: I got black flagged at Mossport because the marshall wanted to check out the bike. Is that cool or what?

"Never been down" This bike is like the stock market; it doesn't go down! Except for last week and that one time I screwed up with the paddock stand. (I survived since I was wearing my leathers, thanks for asking). The fairings were off so only a few scratches. However, they are so well hidden that you don't even need to know about it. But, she has never crashed on the road, except for that scrape on the when I touched the turtle at TMP track (not technically defined as a "road" or "crash"). Some scratches on the fairing but we both recovered and roared off down the track to the thunderous applauds of the crowd of bikini models. This bike is both lucky and good! Officially, I am blaming the damage on the former owner because that makes it all ok. But don't blame him because he said that guy before him did it. And the scrapes only makes her look so MEAN that you would think she has teeth. And when she bites, she is saying 'go faster!'

"Perfect Condition 10/10" meaning lots of scrapes but nothing that a blindfold and a good sense of denial won't fix. People will stare in wonder ("is that guy riding with a blindfold??") But they are really envious. Trust me. I will be envious right after you leave with the bike. I will even include the blindfold with the bike.

"Loud pipes that save lives." I drive by Sick Kids weekly.

"This bike is a chick magnet". Ok, I live on a chicken farm. Don't mind the smell.

"Stored indoors" means she was in a shed when I found her. Been in my garage since, and it is a very nice garage. Better than some apartments I have lived in.

"Moving to Europe and cannot take her with me" meaning I just don't have the time or energy to continue to work on her.

"Just in from Vancouver for this weekend and I need to sell her immediately and the price is firm." Enough said.

"New tires" (when I bought them last year). Same with everything I have put on her: they were new when I bought them.

"Meticulously Serviced by Mature Dealer" in the sense that I used to sell weed and I did all the service myself (just like being single). Getting off the weed helped me mature to the point that I realize that I am not the mechanic and now I pay him to work on it. Did I mention meticulous? I meticulously looked for every part I dropped. Found most of them too.

"Oil just changed. With a new oil filter!!" New oil means that she is practically brand new. She has newness coursing through her veins. And that is all you need to know: this bike is kinda like "BRAND NEW."

Too many features to list but I will try:
• Starts (unless it is cold) and stalls/stops
• Brakes work (not only stops but has brakes as well)
• 2 (TWO) tires
• Fresh air in tires (special air designed for speed).
• Lights work
• Has license plate
• Parts included
• Both Liberals and Conservatives agree that 'This bike rocks.' The NDP is too busy having my baby and the Greens took one look and just ran for the escarpment.
• Certificate of Ownership from the great province of Ontario (quite rare in a used motorcycle). And the VIN on the Ownership and the bike MATCH! Think of the odds.
• She sounds so sweet that when you drive on by, the weather changes, fish stop swimming and even your ex will come a runnin'.
• All parts are METRIC (which is a special European system for going fast that has been adopted by all the MotoGP teams this year). The Metric system is based on the number 10 and as stated above, this bike is a TEN.
• A key that fits
• Four cylinders. That is two per tire so she is twice as fast.
• The world's fastest production bike on two wheels that I am selling here in this ad. So fast that you will THINK IN CAPITAL LETTERS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. TAKE A TEST RIDE AND SEE IF I AM LYING!!!!
• This bike will give you 'Fat Chick in a Tube Top Confidence'! You will wear a tube top after riding this gem (I do!).
• Runs on gas. From a gas station. Unlike that other gas. She also runs on cheap bourbon.
• Makes things bigger than they appear. And that is big.
• Cheap on insurance (if you get only liability and live somewhere other than Ontario).
• Will not be stolen from your condo. One look at this mean ride and they will just pass on by (to that new Ducati in the next row. I hate that guy too.). Kinda like theft insurance and a big stick all in one package. Did I mention she is cheap on insurance?
• Had carbs cleaned, brakes bleed, new chain, sprockets, & battery last year. She is practically BRAND NEW.
• Recently changed oil (worth the asking price right there)
• Oil cooled (I said she is cool) and oil radiator has a minor leak (oozing cool) Not dripping but just a minor one. Throttle cable has a wiggle. Funny looking front brake lever. Petcock leaks (Can you say petcock and not laugh). The battery is a bit lame but it comes with a extra battery that only needs to be set up. Lots of other stuff that adds up to character, and you can't put a price on that.
• The fine print. A real man doesn't read this stuff but he listens to that voice in his head and makes his own decisions and right now that voice is saying, "She must be mine." Time to stop thinking about buying her a drink and man up. Mount her and ride her like the man you want to be. So be a MAN and just click accept and move on to the next bullet point. From Pro6, "Inspected the bike for safety on the track. Bike needs front brake lever. Oil cooler is leaking/damaged, petcock is leaking, valve cover gasket is leaking, crank case vent is missing, alternator bolt is missing, head bearings need adjustment, shifter needs attention & clutch has no free play. " They said that to my face. Can you imagine? You might think that the guys at Pro6 are both honest and capable. I think they took her for a test ride on her and now they are the most manly bike shop in the city.
• Comes with some bits and bobs that fit and are appropriate for this bike. I will throw in a few that aren't. Included in this mystery box of parts are books about this bike. You hear that, you Gen Y illiterate little children: Books about this bike! Things with words that your father used to fix his ride. (Don't worry: there are cool pictures of bikes).
• Unique set up with two wheels. Highly sought after collector's item! This bike will only gain value over the years.
• Suspension is set up perfectly for someone other than me. It might be YOU!

All this adds up to a perfect ride: YOUR perfect ride. Old school charm, style and elegance combined with Suzuki's racing history that will not only make you feel fast but will turn heads and win hearts. I had another identical ride but some Spanish kid named Marquez picked up that one. He sent me an email that he couldn't be happier. The Leafs organization decided NOT to buy this bike before the third period of game seven and they threw the game in protest (don't blame me, I lowered the price).

I got pulled over by OPP and instead of giving me a ticket he made me an offer for the bike. I took the ticket because I am saving the bike for YOU! This bike is so sweet, I might make you an offer right after you buy it. And that is the kind of promise that you can take to the bank! I should know because I used to work on Wall Street where lies are not allowed and anything can be used as collateral.

This bike is perfect if you want finished ride, a project bike, a first ride, a shiny laundry rack, or something to occupy that extra space in the garage. The best bike I have ever owned and I have been riding since dinosaurs rules the Earth. This bike will keep your dusty treadmill company and store both gas & oil. Maybe you have an extra paddock stand that just looks empty sitting there. Maybe you just have too much cash.

This bike is so mean that I leave my garage wide open and the bike thieves come by and wash it for me weekly.

My daughter asked my why Elvis was so cool and I told her it was because he rode an 89 Gixxer just like this one. And he died in 1977.

This bike will give you the package you have always dreamed about. I had a vasectomy, but after I bought this bike I had three more kids. With my doctor!

This bike has dangerous written all over her (because that's what Marlboro and Suzuki mean). Buy this bike and your pores will ooze danger. You will blow smoke without lighting up. Those BMW guys sipping their Americanos will give you a wide berth and those shifty high school boys sniffing around your daughter will run away. Nobody will even look you in the eye, except for Clint Eastwood and he will only give you the small nod that says 'Respect'. You won't have to read Hunter Thompson's The Hells Angels because you will be living it. You will be the 1%.

Ok, I will be serious for a moment. Think back as to why you got into motorcycles. Before you were a squid or a noob and you thought leather belonged on a baseball and Pete Rose had a cool haircut. That moment when you first saw a guy on that bike and the thought first crossed your mind, the thought that said "maybe, maybe one day I could. . . " The idea you have been chasing ever since. I want you to think back to the innocence and the spark of inspiration of that moment and remember all that you discovered that you wanted then, and all you want now. Focus back to that time and see the movie in your head (memory was what youtube was called in those days) of that guy riding by and focus. . . and you will remember that HE WAS RIDING THIS BIKE!!!! THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN DREAMING ABOUT FOR ALL THOSE YEARS AND NOW YOU CAN HAVE IT!!!!!!!!

My heart is breaking to sell her. The bike is part of our immediate family, who lives in the garage. However, I need your (YOUR) money. And some space in the garage as I am going to have another kid (bike).

I will trade for track bike 2009 or newer and less than 2431km.

Padawan, This is the Droid you are looking for. . . Call me and pay asking. . . in cash. . . now.

Buy her and you can have a test ride. All day if you want, or the rest of your life.

You can't put a price on love but this bike has made me such a man that I will: All I'm asking for is $1,000,000, meaning $1500 takes her. Firm, which is what you will be when you ride her. Remember, the equipment you are packing is measured by the amount to pay over asking (that's what she said and she is hot). And CASH ONLY. They call it plastic because it is cheap and stupid. You are buying a bike to let the world know that you are a man and men pay in cash. And don't even dream of paying with PayPal (your mother should have slapped you). Ask about PayPal and my mother will slap you.

Finally, if you pay asking I am willing to include a "100% Satisfaction Guarantee" that I am willing to put in writing! I will include a certificate stating that I am completely satisfied with your cash.

Showing this Saturday and Sunday, accepting offers next Tuesday.

Lowballers will be abused.

I am selling this bike both "As Is" and "As If", as if you could find a more perfect ride. What you see is what you get. Take a test ride and you will agree: she is exactly "As Is". Every lie I have told here is true. Every imperfection is perfect. What someone might think is a defect, you will argue is the golden vista of a beautiful sunset over the endless ocean. We are talking rainbows and unicorns here and they will literally fly out of your ass.

Buy this bike and you will thank me. The last guy who bought a bike from me had six kids and named them all after me. (Ok, that was awkward to explain at my divorce but I showed a pic of the bike to the judge and she gave me both the house and alimony. Then she left her husband and married the guy who bought the bike).

This offer will not last long.

[the chi]

That is awesome. Best CL ad ever I'm thinking...

[RACER X]

http://austin.craigslist.org/cto/3999560284.html



made the local news last night, lol

[OneSickPsycho]

Pretty fucking awesome, except for the terrible wheel choice...

Some of these would have looked much better:

[fasternyou929]

Originally Posted by RACER X

http://austin.craigslist.org/cto/3999560284.html

Deleted