Today's Funny - Page 4

CasterTroy · 12-17-2009, 05:27 PM

Two women met in line to the pearly gates.

1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman : I Froze to Death.

2nd woman : How Horrible!

1st woman : It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get numb & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband Floyd was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. I found him in the den watching TV all by himself.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman : I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I got angrier and angrier that I couldn't find her and finally I keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman : Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

racedoll · 12-18-2009, 12:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CasterTroy

Two women met in line to the pearly gates.

1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st woman : I Froze to Death.

2nd woman : How Horrible!

1st woman : It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get numb & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband Floyd was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. I found him in the den watching TV all by himself.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman : I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I got angrier and angrier that I couldn't find her and finally I keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman : Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

CasterTroy · 12-21-2009, 05:49 PM

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says: "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation: "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Particle Man · 12-21-2009, 05:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CasterTroy

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says: "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation: "I now pronounce you man and wife."

marko138 · 12-28-2009, 12:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CasterTroy

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says: "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation: "I now pronounce you man and wife."

CasterTroy · 12-28-2009, 01:06 PM

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise , God
appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines, one line for the men
who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who
were dominated by their women.

I want all the women to report to St.. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles
long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household,
there was only one man. God said, "You men should be ashamed of
yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been
disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one
obeyed. Learn from him." God turned to the one man,

"How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

CasterTroy · 12-28-2009, 01:08 PM

A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation---no one wants him to leave.

Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!'

There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,......'Screw him!'

racedoll · 12-28-2009, 01:09 PM

Good one! Both of them.

marko138 · 12-28-2009, 02:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by racedoll

Good one! Both of them.

Concur.

psychochild28 · 12-28-2009, 04:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CasterTroy

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says: "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation: "I now pronounce you man and wife."

My family got a kick out of this one also.

12-17-2009, 05:27 PM	#31
CasterTroy ................ Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: NC Posts: 3,028	Two women met in line to the pearly gates. 1st woman : Hi! My name is Wanda. 2nd woman : Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die? 1st woman : I Froze to Death. 2nd woman : How Horrible! 1st woman : It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get numb & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman : I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband Floyd was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. I found him in the den watching TV all by himself. 1st woman: So, what happened? 2nd woman : I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I got angrier and angrier that I couldn't find her and finally I keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st woman : Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive. __________________ “Being tolerant does not mean that I share another one’s belief. But it does mean that I acknowledge another one’s right to believe, and obey, his own conscience.” Viktor Frankl

12-21-2009, 05:49 PM	#33
CasterTroy ................ Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: NC Posts: 3,028	An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says: "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation: "I now pronounce you man and wife." __________________ “Being tolerant does not mean that I share another one’s belief. But it does mean that I acknowledge another one’s right to believe, and obey, his own conscience.” Viktor Frankl

12-28-2009, 01:06 PM	#36
CasterTroy ................ Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: NC Posts: 3,028	When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise , God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines, one line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St.. Peter." Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man. God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him." God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here." __________________ “Being tolerant does not mean that I share another one’s belief. But it does mean that I acknowledge another one’s right to believe, and obey, his own conscience.” Viktor Frankl

12-28-2009, 01:08 PM	#37
CasterTroy ................ Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: NC Posts: 3,028	A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation---no one wants him to leave. Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!' The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his children!' More sighs and loud applause. Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!' There is total silence. The Preacher, blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?' Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,......'Screw him!' __________________ “Being tolerant does not mean that I share another one’s belief. But it does mean that I acknowledge another one’s right to believe, and obey, his own conscience.” Viktor Frankl

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12-28-2009, 01:09 PM	#38
racedoll AMA Supersport Join Date: Nov 2008 Moto: '04 Kawasaki ZX6RR Posts: 3,392	Good one! Both of them.