One toe over the line...

[askmrjesus]

I woke up a few nights ago with a cat hanging off of my toe by his fangs.

This actually happens on a regular basis, so I wasn't too concerned until I realized there was no cat, just a pain where I thought the cat would be. Stupid toe hurt all day.

Woke up this morning with same phantom cat, biting the same toe. I call it the Mayonaise toe, because I'm not sure what the name for this toe is. I am, however, pretty sure it's the little piggy that had roast beef, which goes good with mayonnaise, hence, the mayonnaise toe, (it's the toe next to the pinky toe).

Anyway, the stupid little bastard toe hurts like hell, so I start googling toe ailments. Leprosy..no. Toe jam...nope. Toe fever...no, not that one either.

Then I find "The Gout" (which I always thought was a 70's punk band from England) and there it is. Phantom cat bite pains, hurts like hell, blah blah blah.

So now I'm pretty sure I've got "The Gout" in my mayonnaise toe, and I am fucking pissed! I'm pissed because the causes of "The Gout" are too much red meat (which confirms my suspicion of the little piggy that had roast beef), dehydration, (I hate water) and alcohol consumption, (specifically BEER).

Beer? I have a beer related toe disease? Oh no, back the fuck up. My toe is pissed at me because I drink beer? Fuck that toe, he doesn't even have a proper name, he's just a useless little fucker between the pinky toe and the middle toe. Who the fuck does he think he is, waking me up at night with invisible cat bite pain? Asshole toe. What is he, a fucking Mormon?

So I'm looking at the treatment options on the toes"R"us website. Eat less red meat...ok, I can deal with that. Drink more water...ok, fuck it, I'll try. Cut down on beer...Hmmm...let's see, drink less beer...Oh wait, I have an idea, how about, FUCK YOU TOE, I'LL drink as much beer as I want!

Then it dawns on me. This toe is a goddamn trouble maker. I have to act fast before he goes all fucking Che Guevara on me, and starts talking all the rest of the toes into getting "The Gout" as an act of solidarity within the toe brotherhood.

He must be made an example of, so I'm cutting his ass off before all the rest of my toes fall victim to his anti-beer propaganda.

One bottle of whiskey, and a sharp chisel, and that bitch is history. Fuck that toe, it's not like he's a lung or something important.

Sure, it's going to hurt for a while, but the other toes won't even think twice about getting "The Gout" after they see what happens to Mayonnaise toe...

JC