The Joke Thread - Page 3

6doublefive321 · 08-26-2008, 02:48 PM

Oldie but a goodie....

A guy walked into a bar carrying a small alligator. Naturally, the bartender said "you can't bring that damn thing in here". The guy asked "why not?". The bartender proceeded to tell him it was unsanitary, and most of all, unsafe. Well, our guy proceeded to tell the bartender how tame the alligator was. He said, "As a matter of fact, I'll show you how tame he is". The guy pulled out his pecker, opened the alligators mouth, carefully closed the mouth, then commenced to hitting the alligator on the head with a pool cue. Amazingly enough, the guy opened the alligator's mouth, and there was his pecker without a scratch on it. The bartender conceded defeat, and told the guy he could leave the alligator in the bar. Feeling cocky, the guy spoke up and said "anyone else wanna try that?". Shortly, a withered up old lady pushed her way through the crowd and said "Sure. Just don't hit me on the head with that pool cue".

Gunther1000 · 08-26-2008, 03:04 PM

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

smileyman · 08-26-2008, 03:47 PM

A man takes his daughter with him to the barber shop. Seeing her fidgeting and bored he gets her a Little Debbie snack to occupy her time while he is in the chair.

As the barber begins his haircut the little girl unwraps the snack and moves in closer to watch. This makes the barber uncomfortable and distracted, so he tries to get her to back away by telling her "Scoot back sweetheart, your going to get hair on your twinkie!" To which the little girl replies...

"Mom says someday I am going to get boobs too!"

zerioustt · 08-26-2008, 03:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gunther1000

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

george carlin ftw!

Mr Lefty · 08-26-2008, 04:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gunther1000

8. 'Infidel'
[English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

I had My baggage tags made with Infidel on them. The Iraqi guy was like..

no sir... infidel not a good word... I was like... i know...

Gunther1000 · 08-26-2008, 04:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ebbs15

I had My baggage tags made with Infidel on them. The Iraqi guy was like..

no sir... infidel not a good word... I was like... i know...

Lol, Thats great. I'm surprized the Military lets you guys get away (for the most part) doing stuff like that. I know I would get into plenty of shit if I were you. Nothing like making light of a shitty situation. Take it easy man!

Mr Lefty · 08-26-2008, 04:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gunther1000

Lol, Thats great. I'm surprized the Military lets you guys get away (for the most part) doing stuff like that. I know I would get into plenty of shit if I were you. Nothing like making light of a shitty situation. Take it easy man!

ehh... the bags don't really go through any 3rd world air ports... we fly our own planes in... so it's not like any iraqi's other than the guy that made them is gonna see them...

but the shitty part? when I went home on leave after my deployment... someone stole them...

fuck'n infidels

Rider · 08-27-2008, 09:00 AM

Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy
bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him
said,"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give
you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years
old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars
at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking
business!!"

LITTLE BILLY ON... MATHS:

Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6," replied BILLY.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3 x 2?'"
"What's the fucking difference? " asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH:

Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are
going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example
of a multi-syllable word?"
BILLY says " Mas-ter-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a
mouthful."
Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a
blowjob."

LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR:
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for
a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same
sentence twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on
little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she
reluctantly called on little BILLY.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that
she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"

Mr Lefty · 11-11-2008, 09:11 PM

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says,
There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck,
he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask.
Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.
I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.

PiZdETS · 11-12-2008, 12:49 AM

two men walk into a bar

one man makes a joke

the other man laughs because it is so funny

08-26-2008, 02:48 PM	#21
6doublefive321 Resident Droog Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Northern burbs, Atlanta Moto: 625 SMC, '08 Tuono R Posts: 471	Oldie but a goodie.... A guy walked into a bar carrying a small alligator. Naturally, the bartender said "you can't bring that damn thing in here". The guy asked "why not?". The bartender proceeded to tell him it was unsanitary, and most of all, unsafe. Well, our guy proceeded to tell the bartender how tame the alligator was. He said, "As a matter of fact, I'll show you how tame he is". The guy pulled out his pecker, opened the alligators mouth, carefully closed the mouth, then commenced to hitting the alligator on the head with a pool cue. Amazingly enough, the guy opened the alligator's mouth, and there was his pecker without a scratch on it. The bartender conceded defeat, and told the guy he could leave the alligator in the bar. Feeling cocky, the guy spoke up and said "anyone else wanna try that?". Shortly, a withered up old lady pushed her way through the crowd and said "Sure. Just don't hit me on the head with that pool cue". __________________ I'm sick and tired of being bored.

08-26-2008, 03:04 PM	#22
Gunther1000 Jesus Christ! Join Date: Jul 2008 Moto: (The Chi's lover) Posts: 801	9 Things I Hate About Everyone 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually. 3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses! 5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor. 6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? 7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new. 8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass? __________________ FTP

08-26-2008, 03:47 PM	#23
smileyman White Trash Hero Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: NW Arkansas Moto: Buell 1125R Porco Rosso Edition Posts: 4,895	A man takes his daughter with him to the barber shop. Seeing her fidgeting and bored he gets her a Little Debbie snack to occupy her time while he is in the chair. As the barber begins his haircut the little girl unwraps the snack and moves in closer to watch. This makes the barber uncomfortable and distracted, so he tries to get her to back away by telling her "Scoot back sweetheart, your going to get hair on your twinkie!" To which the little girl replies... "Mom says someday I am going to get boobs too!" __________________ Arkriders.com To be the best you must first be willing to risk the worst!

11-12-2008, 12:49 AM	#30
PiZdETS ⎷⎛⎝ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ ⎷⎛⎝ Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: ⎷⎛⎝ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ ⎷⎛⎝ Moto: ⎷⎛⎝ ⎝⏠⏝⏠⎠ ⎷⎛⎝ Posts: 990	two men walk into a bar one man makes a joke the other man laughs because it is so funny __________________

08-27-2008, 09:00 AM	#28
Rider Moto GP Star Join Date: Feb 2008 Posts: 12,156	Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,"Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little BILLY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." "Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" "No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!" LITTLE BILLY ON... MATHS: Little BILLY returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks the father." "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said 6," replied BILLY. "But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3 x 2?'" "What's the fucking difference? " asks the father. "That's what I said!" LITTLE BILLY ON...ENGLISH: Little BILLY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" BILLY says " Mas-ter-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little BILLY, that's a mouthful." Little BILLY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob." LITTLE BILLY ON...GRAMMAR: One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully." The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little BILLY. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!"

11-11-2008, 09:11 PM	#29
Mr Lefty TWFix Legend Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Denver CO Moto: 01 BMW F650GS Dakar Posts: 15,677	A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?' The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?' The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.