Guide to Epcot

[Trip]

Welcome to the first of a two part series of my adventures in Disney World. Due to time restrictions with having to attend a conference I was only able to make it to Epcot and the Magic Kingdom with the first being the spectacular Epcot. I decided to use my first off afternoon to go to it because of its innovation exhibits. It was originally suppose to showcase Walt Disney's dream of an experimental prototype community of tomorrow, now it is just a way for Disney to "empty pockets of cash over time." It is also a showcase of nations where you can find the best of what the cultures of earth have to offer. Can you sense what is to come yet? I must warn you that if you like Disney, you may not want to read any further.

Well after a brief morning of meetings, I took Disney on their offer for a "cheaper" after 2pm convention pass. I loaded myself on one of the hotel buses and took off for Epcot. It is definitely better to stay within the park and use their transportation instead of trying to drive yourself in through all that mess and paying for the parking passes and toll roads each day. Plus you will miss out on the beginning of your journey into the land where people don't speak English and have no common sense.

Well after stepping off the bus, the first thing you notice is the gigantic golf ball. Nothing says welcome to the land of happiness like gigantic balls, well maybe gigantic boobs would do it better. Just think later you get to take a spin through the ball on a fun ride and then be propelled out. Disney knows fun and what isn't fun about pretending to be sperm; that really puts the amusement in amusement park.

Well as I enter the park, I went first towards the Test Track and noticed a 120 minute wait with no fastpasses left. Then looked over at Mission: SPACE and it had an equally long wait, but had fastpasses left. So I grabbed a fastpass, unfortunately it wasn't for 6 hours or so, so I booked it right out of that area. I am not going to spend my first two hours in "the happiest place on earth" being treated like a sheep. If you don't know what a fastpass is, I give you a quick guide to it. Disney now allows you to swipe your admission ticket and allows you to reserve your ride at a later time and cut the line. You can only get one fastpass every 2 hours or so. So if you get a fastpass at Pirates of the Caribbean, you can't get a fastpass for Space Mountain till two hours after that. You can pretty much forget about fastpasses at Epcot after 2pm though, there isn't that many rides. So it was time to indulge my favorite hobby: EATING!!!! Off to tour the world and eat it.

WORLD SHOWCASE

Canyada:
As I exited future world and entered the showcase, the first thing I noticed is McDonald's. Wow, some people just can't do without fast food. Hooray there are fat people from around the world standing in line to get a taste of our American slice of hell too. Ah well, off to enjoy the land of our neighbors to the north. Canada was pretty decent. They have a steakhouse that smelled delicious, but I wasn't ready for supper so I just took in a big whiff of it and it smelled pretty decent. It might be a place worth checking out if you are craving a big hunk of red meat. So as I continued around the 51st State, I went into a gift shop and you can buy any NHL jersey from only the Canuck teams. That's the best idea for a souvenir from Disney World, a Calgary Flames jersey. SCHWEEEETTT!!!! Next I went into the 360 movie about Canada and that was pretty cool. It was time to leave and as I headed out I noticed a huge thing to Indians, seemed out of place.

England:
As I entered, I wondered if I could get some fish and chips as soon as I thought that, there it was a shack selling fish and chips, jawesome. There was a street show going on and I thought I would watch. It was pretty funny and if you run into it on the corner, I recommend hanging around to watch. Wasn't much else in England except for shops selling the same goofy national shit you could get anywhere like in Canada. Off to the next country.

France:
He He Hon Hon, I was finally in the land of rifle droppers. They had a little awful tower just like in ghey parie. I found me a little deli and got a croissant sandwich and some madelines. They were pretty tasty. I thought about eating wine and cheese, but after a weekend of hard drinking, I was in no shape for alcohol just yet. Shopping = same useless crap as in the two previous countries. For the rest of the review, just accept this as a given for the world shitcase. There was an attraction here, it was a movie showing how beautiful France is… I left early in a bit of a rush. I took my leave of this country in a bit of a rush before I was evicted. Still some hard feelings for the deportation of my ancestors.

Morocco:
I've entered Aladdin HELL!!! HELP ME!!! Who wants a lamb shawarma shawarma? Yeah I left as quickly as I entered.

Japan:
Teriyaki chicken and ninja swords, what's not to like? Sake and wasabi, oh yeah. Definitely a spot to hit when you are hungry. Hell, Jap food is good anywhere though. I suggest you go get some right now and finish the review later. Ok, now that you are back and your stomach is full of Japanese goodness, don't go to sleep on me, I strolled into the Tin toy display. It was pretty cool to see all those old toys. I am such a kid. Plus it was in an old castle/fort looking building. That just is so much awesome you can barely contain it. I sadly bid farewell to the rising sun to continue my international adventure.

US of A:
YEY HOT DOGS! Wow, every worker in this section is elderly… Did the American experience, it was alright. Was a fuck load better than the Hall of Slavery (more on this in the Magic Kingdom blog.) I really didn't spend much time here, it was boring.

Italy:
I was confused about what country I was in when I first arrived to this classic looking shitcase. No short fat men getting pissed at me and wanting to shoot my ass and throw me in the pond, no old women shouting obscenities at me, and I couldn't find any pizza, I guess my Italian stereotypes don't apply in Disney World. I wasn't really hungry yet and I don't like pasta anyway, I did stop and get an Italian ice later, so all was not lost in Italy.

Germany:
What's not to like in this country? Beer, women bringing you beer in beer maid outfits, brats, women bringing you brats in beer maid outfits, pretzels, women bringing you pretzels in beer maid outfits. Ah yes, the fine points of Germany are well reflected in this Disney shitcase. Hoooooray for Oktoberfest! This observer highly recommends a stop in Germany.

Outpost:
I don't know what this was about. It kinda resembled Australia and Africa in one little section. Ghey…. Just another sham to get money out of my pockets. Thanks Disney!

China:
Ching chong, wasn't really much going on here. It looked like the restaurant was under construction. I was saddened because I wanted some lemon chicken. They had a pretty neat group of girls come out and do all these bending stunts. It was ok. I left before it was over whining about not getting to sample some delicious lemon chicken.

Norway:
Time for a Viking boat ride know as the Maelstrom. Trolls, waterfalls, and oil rigs? Was it just me or was this ride this crappy when we were kids? God, that sucked. Norway blows, I was getting tired of the shitcase, I left after the ride without looking around much.

Mexico:
The last country, can it save my terrible time in this place? Margaritas on tap and Nachos, fuck so far it was giving it's best shot. Against my better judgment I decided to do the boat ride. They just redid it, so why not. It was worse than I could hope, Donald Duck and those two other birds from that Spanish movie they did were all over the place. It made me want to drink the water that propels the boat. What a shitty ending to a shitty section of an amusement park… Goodbye World Shitcase, hopefully forever.

FUTURE WORLD

Innoventions:
So last time I was in this section of Epcot, I really liked it. Could it save my trip? Could it live up to my childhood memories? Would Disney find a way to fuck this up? What do you think? I really couldn't figure this place out. It seemed like it went from cool ideas and focusing on the future to one big slogan being blasted in your ears by some old disgustingly fat flower child from the 70's saying "Peace, save the planet." I looked around, thought about teaching them how to ride a Segway, but the fuckers wouldn't let me use the red key. They were pretty surprised I even knew what the red key was, guess they don't expect normal people to ride segways. Segways have different keys for different speeds and the red key unlocks the full power of it. I thought about grabbing the neck of one and making the Disney douche fall, these things are easy to make crash if you grab the neck and shake. Off to the next section.

Spaceship Earth:
Good way to get out of the heat. It was interesting. You basically ride around in a bucket reliving the history of man. I liked the 60's computer room, for some reason they had a black woman that had a gigantic fro and a lab coat on, but on the bottom she had a short plaid schoolgirl skirt, bright yellow stockings, and thigh high black vinyl boots. That chick had a freaky side. It really looked out of place. They did a neat little thing with your picture at the end of the ride with the little TVs they mounted in the cars. That had a lot more potential, it was kinda sad they didn't take more advantage of it. It was still a decent ride compared to some of the crap I had been on earlier.

Universe of Energy:
WTF!!!!!! Apparently the big bang is no longer a theory and is now fact according to Bill Nye and Ellen Degeneres. Way too piss off all the Creationists, Disney. Hell I think you sucked so much out of their pocketbooks and I think most of the people in the audience were too fucking dense after that to know they had just been programmed to believe evolution even if they are creationists. The very quick and short summary of nuclear was bullshit. Fuck you Bill Nye and Ellen. Terrible show, avoid at all costs.

The Seas with Nemo:
Fuck that, I didn't want to go to that shit with all the kids I been having to listen to all day about fucking Nemo. Fuck you Nemo.

The Land:
Wow, could this building be anymore shitty? I could have seen better buildings in the projects of New Orleans right after Katrina. What a shit box. After all the shitty boat rides I took today, I said no to Living with the Land. Anyone else think it's strange that you are in "the land" and they want you to go on a fucking boat ride? Soarin', so now they want me to go in the air in "the land?" Besides that, this was a decent ride. You basically hang glide around Cali. I recommend this ride as one of the decent ones in Epcot.

Imagination!:
Figment and shrinking the audience are both in this section. These were both pretty decent rides. I always liked Figment as a kid and his ride was not a disappointment like much of the day. He was kinda funny and would definitely be a fun ride as a kid. I would venture to say that I enjoyed it. Honey, I shrunk the audience was in 3D and that's the only way I would even think about watching it again. It wasn't very funny, but the 3D was pretty cool. Hell, watching paint dry in 3D is cool. That's all I have to say about that.

Test Track:
Awesome, time for a coaster. Get in the single rider line and hope I move through this line quick so I can make my fastpass at Mission: SPACE. It was a long wait, but I finally got in a car. Suddenly the ride starts flashing red and an announcement about technical problems comes over the PA. More waiting and then someone says Code TPS. All the Disney workers run off and have a big group meeting. They kick us off the ride and give us immediate fastpasses. Strange…

Mission: SPACE:
Finally, I get to use a fastpass. Would it be worth it? I heard people get sick from this ride from the spinning; I was looking forward to this. So they go through all the briefings and finally get you in the big spinning machine. I got to say this ride was fucking cool. It really felt like you were going up and down. I loved this ride. I wanted to do it again, but the line was too long. This almost made the visit to Epcot worth the price of admission. Seriously cool.

Test Track again:
So I left space and came back to earth. Test Track appeared to be running again, so I get to use another fastpass. I got to say I was disappointed in this ride. The fast sections seemed slow, the hairpin corners were taken at school bus speeds and it was just all around lame. I expected more from this ride. It's ok, it's not something I would spend a long time waiting to ride. The only cool thing about this ride is the fireworks were going off as we were doing the outside part of the ride and fireworks are always cool.

So the park was closing to non Disney resort people, but I had my resort bracelet to keep me inside the park for another 2 hours. I did some walking around, rode Spaceship Earth again and got more food. I tried to find some more fun stuff to do to make the admission worth it, but I was unable to do so. I have to say this park is seriously lame. I would not recommend anyone pay admission for this shithole. I don't know if it was cause it was summer or just the amount of kids that was here, but the entire park smelled like a dirty diaper, it was nauseating. You could have more fun getting your privates waxed with the money you could potentially spend in this place.

Stay tuned for part 2, the Magic Kingdom…

[Rider]

Mission Space was awesome. I loved that ride. Test track was ok. I wasnt that impressed with it. We skipped going through the World, but we did stop for lunch in Mexico.

[neebelung]

So did you drink around the world????

[Trip]

Originally Posted by neebelung

So did you drink around the world????

not really, I was still hung over from drinking at my buddy's wedding the previous saturday and I went to Epcot on tuesday. I got absolutely smashed at the wedding.

[itgirl]

all this info is good to know, since we'll be headed that way on the 30th. thanks, trip!

[NONE_too_SOFT]

lol good post trip...


but it would be more properly named "trips various ethnic stereotypes and politically incorrect humor"

['73 H1 Triple]

Originally Posted by itgirl

all this info is good to know, since we'll be headed that way on the 30th. thanks, trip!

Here's my write up on Disney World http://www.twowheelfix.com/showpost....4&postcount=18

Canada has good food. I'm had both steak and salmon encrusted with honey/brown sugar and both were excellent.

Norway has a lot of fish dishes. If you like fish, it's a great place to eat.

Japan has a restuarant called "Tappenyaki" in which your meal is cooked right before you on your table. The center of each table is a grill.

Jeff

[neebelung]

Originally Posted by NONE_too_SOFT

but it would be more properly named "trips various ethnic stereotypes and politically incorrect humor"

It's Trip -- doesn't all that go without saying?

[Crazy]

test track was LAME.

did they have the car stunt show thing? that sounded kinda cool but was under construction when i went (2005)

[Trip]

Originally Posted by Crazy

test track was LAME.

did they have the car stunt show thing? that sounded kinda cool but was under construction when i went (2005)

I think that is at MGM, I never went to MGM.