What Kind Of Cologne Do you Wear?

[Librarian]

I work in a college, and what I usually encounter are people with severe cases of UCP (undergraduate cologne problem). This is when kids douse themselves with large quantities of really cheap-shit stuff from the stinky aisle of the local supermarket. I've had them come into my office to ask questions and I've actually had to tell them to leave and come back after they take a shower!

Now, with that said, there are a whole lot of you out there with middle-aged versions of UCP. The thinking must be something like "I know this is good stuff, and that just a little bit is required, but a little more of it must be even better." Then you start to get used to the shit and you can't smell it anymore, so you use just a little more each time. Pretty soon, nobody can stand to be downwind of you outdoors, or in the same room if indoors. No women come up and make conversation, or if they do they leave really quickly. And you wonder why?

Which takes me to my favorite rant about stinky stuff: patchouli. Now here is a combination of stinky things that are the favorite of the Earth Mothers and the shoeless types everywhere. What they don't know is the history of patchouli: it was originally sprinkled liberally on carpets prior to rolling them up and putting them on the camels to be carried from Persia (Iran) to Western Europe. Why? Because patchouli is natural mothballs. When these carpets arrived in the homes of the wealthy and powerful the smell couldn't be removed, and eventually the idea that this smell was of mothballs was forgotten and the smell became associated with wealth. So here are the hippies wearing mothball scent so that they can pretend to be wealthy.

Yeah, I have a bottle of cologne. Don't remember the name. I've had it for about 15 years. It's 3/4 full.